People have made the joke several times: ‘Emily, can you write a book without having a baby at the same time? Maybe you’ll have to pop one out for each new release?’

You see, with uncanny timing, both my debut and second novel were published when my daughters were around nine months old. I finished copy edits in the weeks before each of them were born, and I did both proofreads on my Kindle in the middle of the night with a newborn baby attached to my breast.

But now that I am a mother-of-two, I don’t plan to become a mother-of-three. So my third novel is the first I have written and edited without battling pregnancy sickness. This time, I did my proofreads in daylight hours, probably with a much sharper mind - my apologies for any errors in the first two books that my sleep-deprived brain missed.

I just submitted my notes on my proofread, along with my acknowledgements, and now… what? I am in uncharted territory.

When everything happened at once for me, back in 2016 - I signed a publishing contract for IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE and fell pregnant within the space of a month - my new editor was incredibly supportive. We drew up an editing timetable to get the work done before the baby arrived. And then after my daughter arrived, I assumed I would take a year off. My maternity leave. I was still in the mindset of an employee, having only left my full-time job as a journalist the previous year to embark on an MA in creative writing. If I had still been at the paper, I would have taken a year off, so that was what I would do now.

I grappled with the hell that was (and probably, still is) maternity allowance for the self-employed, and carefully tucked my book advance away. And for several months, I was able to focus on being a mum, and not think about my next book. (I have since realised how incredibly lucky I was that timing worked out and enabled me to do this - I see many new mums who are also authors, working through these early months, and I salute you!)

But, as those of you who are writers will be familiar with, new book ideas have a way of elbowing their way into your life. And so, when daughter number one was nine months old, on the day my debut IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE was published, I had a meeting with my editor to pitch for a publishing contract for my second novel, KEEP HIM CLOSE.

The same time frame followed for KEEP HIM CLOSE’s publication. After my second daughter was born, I took several months off writing, and only started working in earnest on my third novel after she had turned nine months, and KEEP HIM CLOSE had been published. 

So here I am now, book three pretty much finished. Proofs will go out later this year, and it publishes in 2023 - there is plenty to do! But I am not used to doing this next bit without a tiny baby around, demanding most of my attention. Can I write a book without ‘popping another one out’?! Has all my success as a writer only been possible because of some kind of womb magic? It’s a really strange feeling. I’m all at sea.

I know some very prolific authors would be well into book four by now. I felt pressure to do the same, almost as soon as I had finished my structural edits on book three. Crack on, Kochy! There’s no baby to hold you back this time! Notebook out, head down, let’s write another one! But then I realised that perhaps, just perhaps, I could take some time. Even without a baby as an excuse, I could take some ‘time off’ (doing other work like setting up a newsletter, doing some writing courses, sorting out my website, putting together a personal marketing plan for the next book) while ideas percolate. So that is what I am doing - I don’t know how long for. An idea could come knocking, insistently, next week. Or it could be in several months’ time. This is what has worked for me, so far, not forcing an idea, but waiting until I simply can’t not sit down and write it.

But even with this decision made, it still feels weird. I don’t know quite what to do with myself. I will write another book - I have to… I was going to dedicate my third novel to both children, but in the end decided to just name my eldest, partly to motivate myself to write book four. Risky business, especially as I don’t have a contract yet for the fourth book!

God knows what point I am actually trying to make here, and I fear it is probably very self-indulgent, so if you’ve read this far, thank you for providing that indulgence. Maybe my point is this: becoming a mother and becoming a published author are two of the hugest transformational experiences I will ever have in my life, and they both happened at once, which has been a joy but also, let’s be honest, absolutely f*&king insane. 

Something about this moment, and something about the repetition (copy edit > baby > proofread > tiny baby > book out > start writing) coming to an end, is knocking me sideways and making me take stock. Shout out to all the new mums who are writing out there, to all the new parents doing *anything*, in fact, other than make a cheese sandwich and find some clean pants to wear. 

Next week, I’m moderating a panel event all about secrets in crime fiction, at the international crime fiction convention CrimeFest. In preparation, I was making notes earlier today about one of the devices we authors use - a character with a double life - and looked in the mirror, and smiled.

Five years into this double life of my own, I am grateful to my career as an author for giving me a purpose and value outside of my role as a mother - I think that kept me sane in that first year. I am grateful to my role as a mother for giving me perspective - how can I teach my kids that it doesn’t matter what other people think of them, unless I happily ignore the worst of my Amazon reviews?! 

Roll on the next chapter, whatever it may bring.